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The Heart of the Matter

I've now lived 1 unit away from 2 different dead men. I'm starting to develop a complex.

One was an old man who lived by himself in the unit next to mine when I was in grad school in Greensboro. We had a yard separating us, and I hardly ever saw him and we never actually spoke.  I knew something was up when I hadn't seen his underwear drying on his front stoop for several days and his mailbox was overflowing. But I was house-sitting and convinced myself I was over-reacting.  Nope, I wasn't making things off. His normal routine wasn't happening and he was in fact dead in his apartment. He'd had a massive heart attack in his bed. He had no family he was in contact with so it was a while before anyone figured out he was dead.

I knew something in my complex was going on on Sunday night when a fire truck pulled in with its lights going and no sirens. I thought that it was an old man who lives on the first floor, maybe he'd fallen; nothing emergent but obviously worth an emergency crew coming out for.  Turns out the 34 year old man who's chocolate lab has come barreling at me several times (and peeing the whole time) was found dead in his unit after a drug overdose. He was in there for 5 days before anyone realized they hadn't heard from him. His best friend found him.

All week, in addition to the other stress in my life, I've been asking myself how long would it take before someone realized something was wrong with me if I died here in my home? Would it be hours? Days? Would Maizey or Maggy try to help me, or would they try to eat me? How would all of my belongings be dealt with? That's not fair to leave people to sort through and determine what to keep or give away. I've been trying to simplify my life but what if it's not enough?

But more importantly... would the people I love know I love them? What about the 'missed connections' in my life as I like to call them--- the people you connect with but the timing isn't right? Would they know how much I truly treasured them?

There's so much I want to do. So many things I want to be.  How do you control the patience of letting life work itself out, with the eagerness of wanting to live life to the fullest?

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