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I Closed My Eyes

It sounds so easy, and is something we typically do so freely. Closing our eyes.

We do it when we need to rest. Or quickly to blink. Or in moments when we may be fighting back tears. Maybe it's in frustration and you're counting to 10 simultaneously. When you're wrapped in a warm embrace of someone you love. Stopping yourself from seeing something you don't want to see.

There are so many reasons we close our eyes.

During my time in higher education, so often we used activities that called on our students to close their eyes. And in those moments I either opted into facilitating the activity so I could keep my eyes open, or participated with my eyes closed, feeling nervous, tense and uncomfortable the entire time. If there was a way I could participate and keep my eyes open, I did. I have always been so uneasy to close my eyes in moments like this in a public space.

Until last week.

I was at a coworkers house for our December lulu staff meeting. And we talked about Desire Mapping (aka my new obsession). We were lead through a meditation activity to help us visualize the desires we are trying to achieve in our life. And I freely and without hesitation, closed my eyes.

(I did. Pinky promise.)

I closed my eyes and had a beautiful vision and it was clear to me what my ultimate desires are.  This is something I have always struggled with. Yes, the act of closing my eyes, but also recognizing and embracing what my true desires are. And it was beautiful. More beautiful than I ever could have imagined. And yet there it was, clear as day.

It's so easy to be on auto-pilot. To get caught up in the hustle and bustle of what 'should' be. But what is it you want? What is it that your life is not offering you what now? What will you gain when you give something up?

I have gained so much in the 3 months since leaving my former position. I can list many of the moments, adventures, experiences, but the most meaningful ones can't be put into words. They are feelings. They are pure, raw and inexplicably beautiful. And irreplaceable.

Who would have thought I would see so much... with my eyes closed?

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